- Showing empathy goes a long way “I’m so sorry you are still suffering. If we ever make plans and you need to break them because you don’t feel well, it’s ok with me. I understand.”
- Jewelry: Most women love jewelry. Who doesn't love the little blue box from Tiffany's? Many companies make custom jewelry today and some even have specific jewelry depending on what chronic illness she may have. It’s pretty special to know that your family member or friend acknowledges your suffering through such a kind gesture. Every time she looks at her wrist or wears the necklace, she will feel loved by you and know you care.
- Last minute text to go out to a movie is always a winner. She will know then if she thinks she has the strength to make it through a two hour show. Always offer to pick her up so she doesn’t feel awkward asking for a ride.
- Group massages can be a saving grace. Ask her if she’d be open to it and then go together. You can plan ahead, but know she may not feel up to it that day. Often those community massage centers have openings so you can call one hour ahead.
5. Be compassionate,
knowing that she lives in a constant and rather annoying state of making blind
decisions for which there is no guarantee if she is making the right choice.
Something as simple as driving to the grocery store may affect her
energy, mood or happiness. Something as small as making dinner can wipe her out
for days and often she won’t know how it affect her day to day and until after
she has done it.
6. Make her one fresh,
one frozen meals and drop them off (ask about allergies or sensitivities or
possibly a new diet she may be trying first) Pack them both in disposable
containers and add a sweet note saying "These containers don't need to be
returned." Often dropping off a meal, rather than sitting and chatting is
a welcome gift.
7. Arrange for her
children to have a play date or a sleepover at your home. (Only
offer the overnight if they have done that at your home before so you don’t put
her on the spot). When calling her say “I’d like to find a time when I can have
your kids come and play. When is a good day for you? I’ll pick them
up around 11 and they will be home before bed. Does that sound good? “
8. Don't make this
person into a your personal medical project. They most likely have spent hours
researching their own ailments and treatment plans. Instead ask “Is there
anything I can research for you?” or “Is there a book you have been wanting to
read about your mystery illness I can get for you?” or “I’m going to the
library this week, any books you want me to pick up for you?” Research can be
exhausting and overwhelming so asking is a kind gesture.
9. Sometimes connecting
people who get it and also suffer is helpful. " I have an amazing
friend I’d like to introduce you to. Would you be willing to chat
with her via email or phone? She has recently has been diagnosed with a
chronic illness and feels pretty isolated. You two may have insights to
share that could be helpful?"
10. If you live nearby
stop in unexpectedly and let her know you are here to wash her car or if you
are super tight friends , just do it without ringing the doorbell put a little
note inside for her to find the next time she must get in her car. If you live
far away, research a local carwash and buy her a series of 12 washes to get her
through the next year.
11. Don’t tell her “you look good?” if you
really mean, I don’t believe you are really suffering from anything real.
It’s ok to compliment her by saying “you look good, I’m sorry you still
feel so awful!”
12.Test results can be
scary and doctor’s visits humiliating or exhausting. You can ask her, "Do
you want me to come to your next doctor’s visit and take notes? Do you
want me to hang out with you the day you are expecting test results? I could
come over for a couple of hours and you can rest on the couch while I read or
cook you dinner?"
13. When you feel
helpless about their suffering simply ask, "What do you wish people
understood better about how you feel and what you are going through?"
14. If you could have
one thing taken off your plate for the next year, what would it be? Then
figure out a way to fulfill it. If it’s dinner every night, start an
email thread and once a week each person brings food over on their night.
They can simply make more of what they normally make and bring it by.
Always ask about new dietary restrictions and google recipes that fit
that description. If you find enough friends (30), they could take turns
once a month for a year as an act of service or kindness. If you don’t
know their contacts, ask them for their information. Even if 7 friends,
once a month, made dinner, that would be a huge burden lifted from her. If she
doesn’t have a large number of friends you could have your church members sign
up and drop it off in a cooler on her front porch so she doesn’t have to feel
bad or awkward in front of strangers.
15. Mail her a gift card
to a local restaurant so she can use it on one of her bad days.
Never, ever make her
feel guilty about things that she cannot do. In fact, she probably does that to
herself and it’s a living torture.
16. Mail her your top 5
favorite movies to watch and send a note that reminds her, resting is healing
and nothing to feel guilty about. If she needs to relax in the daytime, and
watches a movie, this is not a luxury, it’s a necessity and her family and
friends need to understand that.
17. When you finish
reading a book you enjoy, bring it to her or pop it in the mail. If she
is too tired to read, ask her if you can get it for her in audio form.
18. If she does needlepoint
or cross stitch buy her a kit so she has something to do other than lay around
and feel miserable.
19. Ask her some time,
"Would you be comfortable having your name on our prayer list at
church?" Not everyone is comfortable with the healing powers of prayer and
others are just really private. It’s always good to ask first.
20. Don’t make living
too far away an excuse not to show that you care. We have google, amazon,
and everything online. Even from out of state you can order her dinner.
Order dinner from a local restaurant that either a. delivers healthy
meals or b. has takeout near her home. If she is really down and out ask
her husband to pick it up instead ; or if you live nearby, just do it for them.
Just email, text or call your friend “I’d like to order dinner for you
from …Duke’s Chowder House or Rice Thai Food. What would each family
member like? What is the best time for dinner to be brought to you and if
tonight isn’t good, when is a good night I can do this for you? If that never
works out, just buy her a gift card so she can use it when it’s convenient.
21. Prayer is awesome
but instead of saying, "I will pray for you," which feels
condescending and assuming try , "I'd like to pray for you, if that's
okay?"
22. Surprise her and
show up just to vacuum, or mop her floors. If that’s not something you or
she is comfortable doing ask her if you can gift her a cleaning service to come
by once next month or even monthly for a year? Sometimes it’s easier to
hire the cleaning service they use at their home. More often than not,
medical bills are really high and just the gesture of paying for their cleaning
is a welcome gift.
23. If you are getting
together always ask, "Do you have any errands I can run for you before
coming over to your house?" “I’m headed to Target, what do you need?”
24. Ask her to do
spontaneous things that require minimal effort on her part. Like popping
into an art museum for ⅓ an hour, listen to a music concert in the park
with assigned seats, or got to a movie, or even a massage.
She may be more likely to participate since in the moment she will
know if it's a good day or a bad day. Planning ahead is almost impossible and
people often feel so horrible to cancel plans. They often just tough it
out, but pay for it later. If it doesn’t work out the first, second or
even third time, don’t give up on her if it’s something she would really love
to do.
25. It isn’t helpful to
say, "Why aren't you healed yet?" She certainly doesn’t know and she
would welcome being completely free of all pains, limitations or sheer
exhaustion if she could.
26. If your friend used
to be a regular in your book club, bunko, girls night or bible class and
continuely RSVP’s no...this is time for all of you ladies to step it up.
This isn’t a simple 6 week recovery from a surgery. This is a
chronic or maybe even life-long debilitating condition and illness. If
she has always been there to celebrate with you, think about rallying the women
to do something special for her once a month.
27. Don’t say “I wish
there were something I could do?” Because there is so much you can do,
near or far, and it feels empty to hear that. Set an alert on your phone, once
a week or once a month to send your friend something, leave a message, mail a
card, or give and act of kindness.
28. No matter what her
age is, think of her as your 90 year old grandmother who tires easily and needs
help around the house. Your friend may look well, but she may feel
horrible. Stop treating her like she was her former, healthy, self,
because she’s not and she is probably in need of compassion,empathy and a
helping hand. You never get mad at an elderly person who needs a nap or can’t
go for long walks, in fact , you often say sit here grandma or let me do that for
you. If you aren’t sure, remember she probably feels that rotten.
29. Don’t say “You need
to ask for help”. This further burdens your friend when she already
probably feels pretty isolated and embarrassed by her inability to do what she
used to do or what she thinks she should still be able to accomplish. Instead,
offer help, ask questions and think outside the box. If one gesture
doesn’t work out due to timing or comfort level, try something different in a
few weeks.
30. For a thoughtful
gift, drop off or mail her a set of festive paper plates, napkins, and
plastic silverware with a note that says “Because nobody likes doing
dishes." Many shops have funny napkins like “wine goes with everything” or
recycled paper so no one has to feel guilty about more paper waste.
31. Gift her a beautiful
box that you either buy or make yourself so she can keep her notes
of encouragement and well wishes. Be sure to mail her some, because today, very
few people actually write hand, written notes. Remind her to print off
sweet emails or social media posts adn add that to her treasure box.
Suggest she can open the box any time she is feeling down so she is
reminded she is still appreciated and loved by many.
32. Be her voice. If you
are at an event and walking or seating is an issue because of her invisible
disability, ask her if she'd like you to drop her off while you park or get an
easy access seat?
33. If she loves prayer
you could ask her "Would you like me to find you a prayer partner from our
church?" Then try and partner her with someone who she would connect with.
34. Love animals?
You can offer to take care of her animals when she is in the hospital or
in recovery from a treatment. Or you can even suggest that your animals
have a playdate for the day if her animal causes her stress.
35. If her illness has a
major charity already established, donate in her name or go to a walk in her
name. You can even get a team to walk with you. Or if you aren’t
sure what she is suffering from you can always ask which charity touches her
heart the most and then give a donation in her honor.
36. Chocolate and
massage anyone? If she is up to it ask her : "What are your
top 3 guilty pleasures?" and then spoil her unexpectedly.
37. This may seem really
silly but it genuinely helps: Hold the door open for her whereever you
go. Doors these days are heavy and can cause unnecessary exertion.
38. Once in awhile just
call to check on her: "I can be the person you vent to anytime you
need it. I'm here to listen anytime you need me, so I’ll check in and see if
you need to vent, Ok? ."
39. Ask your church
youth group to come over and do major yard work before and after Spring,
Summer, and Fall until she feels better. This may be for a year, or a
lifetime, but the major overhaul in their yard will be a huge burden lifted
not just from her, but her husband too. He too often has a lot more on
his plate due to her illness.
40. If she has a
disabled parking placard and you happen to be driving, allow her to tell you
where she wants you to park that day: close or far. If she's having a good day,
or good hour, she may want to walk a bit. Every day is different and the added
steps can be a welcome change for her. Refrain from saying you are so lucky to
have this placard: what I wouldn’t do to always get great parking. I’m sure she would give her left arm, not to
feel like hell most days.
41. Forever friend: You
may have to accept that her chronic illness may never, ever go away. If she has
found a way to be at peace with this possibility, never suggest that she is enabling
the disease to make her negative. In fact, you will want to commend her
on her courage.
42. Empty offer:
Never, ever, ever say: "Let me know if there is anything I can
do." People rarely feel comfortable saying, "Yes, my dirty laundry
and while you are at it, my dishes." Instead pick something you are
willing to do and then ask her permission. If she says no thank you, offer
again another time. If she says no, then maybe she is more comfortable
getting a nice note in the mail with encouraging thoughts or a bouquet of
flowers just because.
43. Send her flowers
44. Send her plants that
filter bad air. If she has pets, research if the plants are poisonous to
the animal and avoid sending those.
45. Buy her a basket of
magazines she can thumb through when she is too tired to read and not energetic
enough to watch a movie.
46. Plant a low
maintenance bush that flowers where she can see it from her favorite seat in
the house.
47. Never insinuate that
it must be in her head. There are millions of people who are in pain with
illnesses that do not have diagnosis, treatments or cures.
48. Don’t pressure her to go to an expensive
medical clinic that will have all the answers unless you are willing to pay for
it. Putting her family in financial jeopardy may feel like a selfish
thing for her to do and she may not have courage to spend $30,000.00 in one
week to find out, they don’t know what is wrong. If you have the money to pay
for this visit, by all means, treat her.
Otherwise, this is a cruel suggestion that only makes her wish she could
afford it.
49. Don’t assume because she works, she is
fine. Many families depend on two
incomes to survive. She may muster up
every possible ounce of energy just to keep her family from going
bankrupt. If she manages to work
part-time and still provide for her family, don’t tell her how lucky she is or how
you wish you could work part-time. I
guarantee if you had to suffer only one day the way she has for the past year
or even decades, you would crumble and retract your ridiculous comment. Instead, drop her a note or some flowers at
work and say “I know sometimes it’s hard to keep going, I’m proud of you and
the courage you show each day”
50. If you friend or family member fell ill and at first you showed some concern but time has gotten away, do something else. More than likely she feel isolated, lonely and forgotten. She can no longer go on hikes, or play tennis or swoosh down the mountain on skis, but she is not dead. Call her and say I miss you! Can we go out for tea, or can I come over to your house and sit with you? I can weed while we talk or just sit and catch up? A little goes a long way and you don't always have to spend money on your friend or family member to show you care.
